


Following Health Canada's Lead

by intothecest



Category: Letterkenny (TV)
Genre: Brother/Sister Incest, COVID-19, F/M, Glory Hole, Masks, Sex Talk, no sex described, official guidelines quoted are actually real btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:55:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27491551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothecest/pseuds/intothecest
Summary: You're doing some socially-distanced socializing the other daaaaaaaaay...
Relationships: Katy/Wayne (Letterkenny)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Following Health Canada's Lead

**There are 5000 people in Letterkenny. These are their problems.**

_Wayne stands alone in a field. "You're doing some socially-distanced socializing the other daaaaaaaaay..." Cut to the produce stand._

"I hate Corona," Daryl muttered into his dark blue mask. They group was a little more distant lately, and arranged in a slightly different configuration in front of the produce stand than they'd used for years. Katy sat close to Wayne, seeing as how they lived in the same small house and had come to accept that they were going to be sharing the same germs no matter what, while Daryl sat two metres away and Squirrelly Dan, on the outskirts, sat a further two metres out. 

"Get this guy a..." Wayne stopped, let out a sigh audible through his own mask, which was a plaid Katy made to match his shirt, from one of his old shirts still lying around, and corrected himself. "Get yourself a fucking Puppers then Daryl. Remember to Sanitize."

"I've got one. I don't mean the beer."

Katy's own mask was of a professional make, purchased online because she was less picky about what she wore than her brother in some ways, more in others. It was a lighter blue with a pink floral design printed on it, and between that and her sunglasses, most of her face was covered. As though to compensate, her crop top and shorts were slightly shorter than they might usually be as she lounged sunning herself, short enough that, in a normal year might have caused Wayne to make one of his rare comments asking her to wear more clothes, and allowing her to use her usual rejoinder 'Not my forte...' But the pandemic changed some things, it seemed. Though it hadn't changed Daryl, who was about to explain what he meant before Katy pre-empted him. "We know you don't mean the beer, Darry." 

Squirrelly Dan had to speak louder than usual becase of the distance, not to mention making himself heard through his rainbow-printed mask (which contained black text proclaiming science as real, that black lives matter, and love is love, among other slogans), but as he was a gregarious sort, he wouldn't let that deter him. "You knows," he said, "Health Canada prefers to use the terms 'COVID-19' as the proper names for the virus, because 'corona' is just a broad type of virus and it's not as specifics."

"Well, we should all do our best to follow Health Canada's lead to get us through these difficult times," Wayne agreed. "Whether we like it or not."

"Fine," Daryl said. "COVID then. I don't care _what_ you call it, I'm just sick of it. I mean, at least farmers are an essential service so I don't have to worry about sitting at home all day, but it's like there's nothing to do anymore once the sun goes down."

"There's plenty to do," Wayne said. "You just have to do it socially distanced, as Health Canada advises."

"I hear Gail's holding outdoor backwards karaoke tonight," Katy pointed out. When you weren't facing the audience, you could still belt out a tune without a mask. Gail even advertised it as a chance to show off your assets, for those watching from the outdoor tables she'd set up, each more than 2m apart. "You could go and sing " _COVID-eo Killed The Radio Star_." Daryl had always cheered up when they got one of their word games going.

"You could haves a COVID-eo call with a friends," Squirrely Dan suggested, picking up on the thread without missing a beat.

"Or play some COVIDeo games," Wayne suggested, even though it wasn't a hobby on which he'd personally spent too much time. In a motion that had become unfortunate habit, he tugged the cloth covering down with one hand, took a swig of his beer, a drag off his dart held in the fingers of the same hand.

"I'll probably just stay at home watching an old movie, tonight," he said, in a better mood but pretending not to be... at least until the soft crinkles around his eyes provived he was smiling as he came up with, "I've heard good things about COVIDeodrome." He too, took a tug-and-swig.

Before any more attempts could be made from that theme, a truck pulled up and turned into the driveway. The four watched it cautiously, Katy pulling off her sunglasses, as the man named McMurray stepped out, then moved to stand in front of his front bumper. "Wayne, how--"

Wayne put up a hand. "Hold it right there, McMurray." The other man froze. "I don't want you saying another word or getting another step closer until you are in compliance with proper pandemic protocol."

"What you mean... masks?" McMurray looked around nervously. "Come on Wayne, you don't really think..."

"McMurray if you're about to come up with something you read on the Internet about how masks aren't really effective or that they actually make people more sick, don't even bother, I've dealt with my daily dose of dogshit today when Gus gone and left a present on the porch. Masks work."

"Wayne, I would never disagree with that, I'm not an idiot." Wayne and Katy exchanged a look, but said nothing and waited. "It's just... we're outdoors. Can't we do without? I know you don't have the COVID, and you know I don't have the COVID." McMurray tended to grunt more than speak and slurred his words, but after a long time of acqauintance most of the town was familiar with his quirks and made allowances.

Allowances only went so far, though. "We do not know that. Dan?"

Finishing up a swig of his beer, Squirrelly Dan put his mask back on before standing up. "Peoples can be infected for up to two weeks before symptoms appears, and contagious for at least three days before, accordings to Health Canadas," he reported. "So's it's safest to be cautious around peoples evens if they looks healthys." He sat back down again.

"And we should all do our best to follow Health Canada's lead to get us through these difficult times," Katy repeated the mantra they'd been using since Letterkenny--after being relatively untouched for so long--had its first confirmed case. "Whether we like it or not."

"To that end," Wayne insisted. "Masks, and social distancing. No exceptions."

"Fine, fine," McMurray said, fishing out a mask, as white as the tight shirt he was wearing, out of the back pocket of his jeans and trying to work the loops around his ears. "It's just so hard to have a proper conversation when the people you're talking to are all muffled and unclear."

Another look passed between Katy and Wayne, before Wayne said. "We'll all just try to enunciate clearly then."

A few seconds later, McMurray was almost presentable. Almost. Daryl raised a hand to point a lazy finger. "Over the nose there, bud."

"Yeah, McMurray," Wayne agreed, "You wouldn't walk around town with your horn out of your pants, don't leave your nose out of your mask." 

By this point, McMurray was looking a little frustrated... you could tell by the look in his eyes and a bulging vein. But he complied, and spread his hands out to give a 'are you happy?' look. Wayne gave the subtlest of nods, and McMurray launched into, "Wayne, howryounowgoodandyounotsobad." His mask puffed out with an exhalation, and he continued, and, to everyone's surprise, after the automatic pleasantries he actually was enunciating more clearly. "I just came by to invite you folks to a hot tub party thrown by me and the wife."

Katy threw up her hands, the rest just stared, Daryl with an 'are you an idiot' look, Dan with a certain hopefulness as though he expected some further details to make it not sound so stupid, and Wayne with a rare wide-eyed break in his normal stare. "Jesus Christ, McMurray," he said. "Hard pass. We're in the middle of a pandemic." Not that the group would be interested in such a party in the best of times, considering McMurray and Mrs. McMurray were part of 'the lifestyle' and it got more than a little uncomfortable sometimes.

"Well, Corona may be a pandemic, and I'm all for taking precautions, but we still have to live our lives. And may I remind you, Letterkenny's only had two confirmed cases." 

"So fars," pointed out Squirrelly Dan.

Katy nodded. "Bad gas travels fast in a small town."

"And COVID," Wayne agreed, "is the very definition of bad gas."

"Technicallys, Wayne, it's in waters droplets."

"Regardless, a hot tub would be an ideal breeding place."

"Wouldn't the heat kill the virus?"

"No," Wayne insisted. "A hot tub is just about two degrees warmer than the human body, the environment a virus needs to survive. If you're infected sitting in a hot tub is basically like taking your COVID on a Caribbean cruise."

"Sure some might stick around for the good buffet..." Daryl said, taking a moment to scratch his chin before continuing, "But a lot of them are going to stop off at all the nearby islands, mingle, try to hook up."

Wayne waited for his friend to finish then turned his gaze back to McMurray. "More importantly, there's no way to keep an appropriate distance in a hot tub, everyone's breath is in everyone else's face. I understand the desire for a social engagement, McMurray, hell Katy and I near gone stir crazy the first day or two, but there are ways to keep entertained while staying within Health Canada's guidelines."

McMurray's upper body jerked a little, and then he leaned forward. "You mean, like, glory holes?"

Wayne's response here was a flat, uncomprehending, "What?"

"They're in the recommendations, too, Wayne. I was actually trying to pitch Gail on installing one behind Modeans and she's lukewarm on the idea, but maybe with both of us..."

"What the fuck are you talking about, McMurray?" Wayne asked.

"You don't know what a glory hole is?" he asked. "It's like a hole, like, in a bathroom wall, where you stick your dick in..."

"Jesus Christ, McMurray..." Katy muttered.

"And the person on the other side... does what they're going to do."

Wayne stared at him for a moment. "That is not in the Health Canada guidelines." 

"Is so."

"Is not. I've read the guidelines several times. Health Canada says that in times of COVID, the safest sex partner is yourself. They recommend you avoid physical sexual contact with people outside of your household. Beyond that, you're taking a risk by fraternizing outside your bubble, though there are ways to mitigate that risk such as avoiding close face-to-face contact."

"Which glory holes do."

"Granted. But Health Canada is not specifically advising glory holes."

"Is so," McMurray said, and then pulled out his phone from his back pocket. He spent a minute or two typing in a search, and finally, eyes triumphant, read out loud. "'Steps To Protect Yourself.' Ask your partner if they're sick, keep contacts to a minimum, before and after wash your hands." His hand waved as he read to indicate he was summing up the irrelevant parts of the advice rather than reading directly, and finally, quoting again "' _Use barriers, like walls... Eee-Gee, glory holes, that allow for sexual contact but prevent close face-to-face contact._ '"

"And that's linked from the Health Canada website?"

"A-yeah."

"The actual website."

"Yeah." McMurray looked again, but then clarified. "Well, technically it's the BC Center for Disease Control."

"Well, there you go."

"They're basically the same damn thing, Wayne. If the Cee-Dee-Cee in Georgia said something, you'd say it came from America. Glory holes are COVID-friendly."

"Maybe in BC, but not here. I think BC's got too much of the fancy electric lettuce, it gives them weird ideas."

Squirrelly Dan cleared his throat. "It's likelys meants for sex workers and their customers," he said. "Professor Tricia says..."

"You're still doing that?" Daryl interrupted to ask. "Even with the COVID?"

"Oh yes, we just dos it on the Zooms. Anyways, she says that during the pandemics, sex workers're sufferings more than most, from lost businesses."

Wayne considered this and nodded. "Fair enough, sex work is an honest living and they deserve to be find ways to protect themselves too. I imagine some adaptation of normal mores is warranted these days."

"So is that a yes on backing me up to Gail?"

"Hard pass. I don't want a glory hole at MoDeans. Won't get support if you raise it at the Ag Hall, either. Pandemic won't last forever and you can't undrill a hole. There are some things you can't go back from. You want to partake, you can find one elsewhere, or head down to Toronto, I'm sure they've got plenty."

McMurray's head bobbed. "Oh they sure do."

"How do you even do something like that?" Daryl asked.

"Like I said, you go up to the hole and..."

Daryl interrupted McMurray's inevitably vulgar explanation. "I mean, dealing with not even knowing who's on the other side. I couldn't do it."

Katy nodded. "I've had my share of meaningless, no-strings-attached sex, but I always could look someone in the eye and know what I'd done with them."

"Me either. A little too much anonymity, not to mention all the ambiguity."

Looking over at Wayne, Daryl asked, "How do you mean?" Then he seemed to get it. "Oh, you mean, in a situation like that, how do you even know the person on the other side is... of your preferred gender?"

"Professor Tricia says that some mens who identifies as straight go to glory holes for justs that reason," Dan explained. "It gives thems deniability to try somethings new."

At this revelation, McMurray shifted uncomfortably and his voice turned back to his usual underenunciated mumble, but they knew enough of him to be able to get the gist of what he was saying. "Well, that's not me. They got their own gloryholes on their own street, and that's fine and all what they do's their business, but I ain't one of them. You just need to be careful where you go and you're fine."

"But even so," Katy said. "...you'd have no idea who's behind that wall. For all you know, McMurray, your little sister Bonnie could be on the other side."

At this, there was a collective gasp, from everyone except Wayne and Katy herself. "Oh, Bonnie McMurray would _never_ finds _her_ self ats a glory hole," Dan insisted with an abundance of earnestness.

"I'm not _saying_ she would," Katy clarified. "I'm just saying, _hypothetically_ , when you can't be sure of who you're with, a _lot_ of weird things could happen."

"I don't know why you would put that in my head," McMurray said. "Even hypothetically." He turned to the side and shook his whole upper body. "Now I got to try to banish that disturbing mental image." 

"Yeah?" Wayne asked with a dryness that hid how often McMurray had planted similar disturbing images in his head. "How's that feel now?"

"Not good, Wayne. Not good. If you'll excuse me, I think I should return home to Mrs. McMurray."

"Good call."

McMurray said some quick goodbyes, then got in his truck and removed his mask, although he took a good half-minute sitting in his car staring at nothing before he did. 

"McMurray is a piece of shit," Wayne said in his absence, taking another chance for a quick mask-pull-down-smoke-and-drink.

"Yeah he really is," Katy agreed.

After a few moments of silence, Squirrely Dan tugged at his mask again. "You knows, I appreciates the needs for masks, and I'm all for doing as Health Canada recommends."

"We should all do our best to follow Health Canada's lead to get us through these difficult times," Wayne repeated. "Whether we like it or not."

Wiggling a finger under the fabric to scratch at his beard, he continued, "Buts it gets to bes pretty uncomfortables after a while, so's I thinks I'm going to socially distance at homes so I can breathes unimpeded." He stood.

Daryl followed suit. "Yeah, I think I'd better head off too. Mind if I grab a Puppers for the road?"

"Remember to sanitize," Wayne advised. Beside the cooler was a small table with a bottle of hand-sanitizer on it, and the two of them, in turn, sanitized long enough to open the cooler and grab a beer. Dan hustled so he could remove his mask and take a few deep breaths, but Daryl lingered.

"You going to Gail's outdoor karaoke later?" he asked.

Wayne's eyes met his sister, very briefly, before he decided, "Not tonight, I think I'm going to stay in."

"Tomorrow then. Katy."

"Bye Darry."

He turned to go, then stopped. "Katy... you don't really think Bonnie would..."

She sighed. "No, Darry. It was just an example."

"Right." He wandered off in the direction of his home, leaving siblings Wayne and Katy sitting by the produce stand alone.

They sat there, enjoying the sun... it was a good day for hay. But, with everyone else gone, there was no reason to take extra precautions, so, after a good minute of silence, Katy removed her mask and asked, "Wayne, remind me what Health Canada said about sexual relationships?"

Wayne unhooked his own mask from behind his ear, took a sip of his beer. "They still recommend, to be safe, you avoid physical sexual contact with people outside of your household."

"And with people _inside_ your household?"

"As of six this morning, they recommend ensuring consent at all times, and good communication of course. Needless to say, refraining if either party is showing symptoms. Beyond that, no hard rules have been given that I could see. Given the unusual situation, I imagine some adaptation of normal mores is warranted these days. To avoid stir craziness, if nothing else." 

"No doubt. Pandemic rules. Wayne... have you been experiencing any symptoms of COVID-19 today?"

"Can't say I have."

Katy nodded, "Me either." She sat upright, stretched, then got to her feet. "Well, we should all do our best to follow Health Canada's lead to get us through these difficult times." With that, Katy started a walk towards the house. 

Wayne flicked his cigarette butt away, stood, and began to follow his sister inside. "Yeah," he said. "Whether we like it or not."

As it turned out, though, they liked it a lot, and until the pandemic was over or Health Canada updated its guidelines to rule out their particular solution to the problem of stir craziness in an era of social distancing they might as well enjoy one of the few positive opportunities the pandemic had presented.

_Wayne stands in front of a barn, holding a dog, and facing the audience. "There's a saying, 'Make hay while the sun shines.' Well, we've been making a lot of hay, is what I'm saying."_


End file.
